The Conversation

Recently my friends and I went out for dinner. My friends are beautiful, nice, smart, confident, sexy women. And we are all single. How is this possible?

We have no idea.

We sat around the table and discussed our dating woes. Why do we get ignored? Why do guys message us but don't ask us out? Why do you send us such bad pictures? Why do so many of you only care about your own pleasure? Why does no one seem to want an actual connection anymore? Why does dating suck so much?

Why why why why why?

We have no idea.

Suddenly, I realized the conversation we were having was the same exact conversation every single group of single women out at restaurants and bars in DC that night was having. And not just that night. Every night. And probably not just in DC.

How do I know this? Because I have participated in this conversation over and over and over.

And you know what? This conversation is getting old.

We either need a different topic or we need to change the conversation.

Guys, help us change the conversation!

Let us talk about how nice you are and how considerate you are and how kind you are. Let us tell stories about the thoughtful, fun dates you planned. Let us tell stories about how you texted us right after our date to tell us how much fun you had. Let us tell stories about how charming and complimentary you were on both our looks and our smarts. Let us talk about what good representatives you are for your gender.

Seriously, we'd even be happy to talk about how much we admire the way you let us down directly and straightforwardly if you decide you don't want to pursue anything.

Anything is better than the conversation we are having about being blown off, ignored, and confused.

Please, help us change this conversation.

It's time for us to talk about something else.

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  1. Well, this is literally only one side of the conversation, though. I have reached out you as a friend to tell you about some of the times when women have mistreated me. I have been in groups of good single guys too who end up talking about all of the times that women ghosted them, or matched and then cancelled dates at the last minute, or behaved horribly on dates, or wasted their time in bigger ways. I'm sure that in both sets of these conversations, people don't really bother to talk about how they might be contributing to their own dating failures. When you think about it, it would be kind of rude and awkward to interrogate someone who told you a story about their disappointment about their role in it in the middle of ladies night hahaha.

    I think that our culture creates (heterosexual) dating expectations in a sort of vacuum, and it in turn it breeds misunderstanding and resentment between the genders. Over the years, by listening to women, I think I've gotten better at trying to address behaviors on my end that play into negative ideas that women have about men, and learned to stop thinking of them as so much more advantaged in dating. Obviously you'd have to ask women I have dated to know if I succeeded at this, and some might say that I haven't, but I think most recent dates, to include my now girlfriend might say that I have.

    That said, I think that the conversation has to be broader. I think the parties that you throw are good examples of that - opportunities for people to speak openly, honestly and safely about how things are going.

    1. Exactly, this is one side of the conversation. I am reporting my experience. I know that you and other men have similarly frustrating experiences. More to come on this topic. Have faith in me.

    2. Also, thanks for the very public shout out about my parties! Woot woot!!

  2. I had to laugh at this article....I have been in and out of the dating scene and know very much about it. made it sound like a one way street, meanwhile everything you mentioned happens to us guys as well... guys get ghosted, guys get ignored just as much as you do. I don't know what guys you message and what kind of guys you connect with, but how could it be that none are asking you out, they are asking you out, but you probably don't have that ultimate connection with them through the texts and pics you see so you move on to the next guy and so on. So you are being asked out, but just not by the right guy YOU want...maybe you should give those other guys a try...don't think that you are the only one not getting dates...I have been cancelled on many times, in fact someone cancelled on me last week because they wanted to go hiking... see some people put themselves out there just to test the waters. Yea they get connections and guys asking them out but 90% of the time they would rather go out to dinner with their single girlfriends and talk about why they are single.

    1. Well, my intention was not to make you laugh but to make you reflect. I am well aware of the frustration that men feel as well. That was not the intent of this particular post though. Stay tuned. I will have more coming empathizing with your gender. Don't worry. But don't laugh at your female counterparts and our frustrations. Feel for us as I feel for you too.

  3. "Why do guys message us but don't ask us out?"
    This is the era after women's suffrage, isn't it? Is feminism dead? After a few messages, if a woman wants to go out with a guy, she should ask. Or at least state that she'd like to be asked.

    But there is a gender communication issue here, true. With men, subtle hints don't work. Obvious hints don't work. Declarative statements are necessary.

    1. Yes, you are correct. Women should absolutely feel comfortable asking a guy out if they want to and not expect that men should be the only ones asking. However, dynamics in dating can be strange and not follow normal mores of feminism. I can't explain why this is or how this is but it sounds like a good topic for a future blog post after I have thought about it.

      As far as communication goes and being direct about it, that is definitely a topic I have in the pipeline. Stay tuned!

    2. First, I'll own up to ghosting (not often, but it happens). I'm not proud of it, and at least once, I re-contacted the woman to apologize. At least some of that (for me) is a need not to feel like I'm being a bad guy by saying, 'I'm not interested." Ironic that not saying that and going dark is worse. To their credit, if the woman wasnt interested,most (not all) were considerate enough to say, "Sorry--dont feel the chemistry." I really hate that phrase.

      I do find it a little hard to believe that the 75% of guys who only get a first date with you are cavemen. You may not feel a spark, but that doesnt mean that they werent complimentary or that they didnt manage to refrain from sending you pics of their junk.

      Does ghosting happen? Yes--far too often. Do we sometimes forget to treat a woman like a regular person? Yup. But please don't tell us that if you don't feel chemistry right away you're moving on and then complain that your dating life is miserable because the guys you date are pigs, because, going out on a limb, I don't think that's the case (at least most of the time).

    3. Oh, no - the guys I have dated for the most part have all been very nice to me. I'm glad you brought up ghosting. Stay tuned for my Ode to Ghosting poem I am posting tomorrow! Also, watch for a future blog in the works called In Defense of Men. My friends and I are not male bashers. I just know a lot of you can do better and I want to gently encourage you to do so.


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