No longer desperate?

For the last nine years I have had an ad on Craiglist entitled "Desperate to Live in an Awesome Location?"

In order to afford my mortgage, I was desperate for roommates who were desperate enough to not care about having no privacy and sharing my living room with another complete stranger.

I thought the ad title was pretty clever.

February 2009 to February 2018. Seventy-one roommates.

[You can read more about that in my book.]

Luke and Tony were my last two roommates. I liked them so so so much.

As you know, if you have been reading my blog, Luke moved out in December to pursue his modeling career in Asia. He is killing it. So proud of him!

Then it was just Tony and me until last week.

Tony was handsome, nice, smart, and often shirtless. Aside from being great eye candy, he was a really good roommate as well as a great companion. Every evening that we were both home together he would ask me, "How was your day?"

He didn’t ask me as a formality, he asked me as a conversation starter. He listened to me. He listened to me go on and on about romantic frustrations and he provided a (surprisingly wise for his short 22 years) much appreciated male perspective. 

He would listen to my blog drafts and my book manuscript and give me feedback. 

He went on exercise walks around the neighborhood with me and talked my ear off about his own dating life or career aspirations or world politics. 

I really adored him.

This is us on Christmas as we avoided loneliness together. I cooked for us and he accommodated me with a photo shoot

Now Tony is starting a new adventure and I am happy for him and so grateful that he made my roommate experience end on such a high note.

Over the past nine years, I was so lucky that I got to share my home with so many wonderful, kind, and respectful males. Each one of them renewed my faith that there are so many good guys out there.

And now, exactly nine years after I started, Tony left too and I finally, finally live alone.

I posted my ad to see about replacing Tony (and I had for Luke as well) but coincidentally, it seems, that just when I am no longer financially desperate for a roommate, no one is responding to my ad anymore.

How strange is it that at the moment when I FINALLY don't NEED roommates anymore people stopped responding to my ad? And that I published my book, which would be a lot less interesting if I hadn't had exactly nine years worth of Craigslist roommates, while I was living with my LAST roommate?

I am 44 years old and am now living by myself for the first time.

Is living alone supposed to be fun? I mean, I love not having air mattresses in my living room anymore but... all this space? And no companionship? It's lonely!

The day Tony left I felt so sad. That morning I went for an exercise walk before work and felt the kind of loneliness that you aren't just aware of in your head but that you also feel in your organs. I hate that feeling. 

I cried. I missed him so much. When I came home from work that day, knowing he wouldn't be around to go for a walk with me, I just felt so... desperate?

The jury is out on this whole living alone thing.

Maybe the air mattresses weren't so bad after all.

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  1. I am glad that you are able to live alone. It sounds like the past 9 years have been a roller coaster. I am so glad that im able to get this peak into your world :)

  2. The air mattresses were just perfect. And I can say from experience that living in the International Hostel was definitely something to remember. I loved being there, even though I know I wasn't "home" a ton.

    You've got this, I know you do. Just throw tons of dinner parties and photo shoot nights. Don't feel like you HAVE to be at home.

    1. Very sweet message Kasey! I loved having you share my room with me and seeing your beautiful face every day! Yeah, I gotta start scheduling the dinner parties. Come visit me!

  3. Like anything else, there will be a period of adjustment. Maybe you'll like it, maybe you won't. But either way, you'll make the best of it, as you seem always to do. Congrats on all the success--and have fun with it!

    1. Thank you for saying I make the best of things. I really appreciate that! That is what I try to do! xoxo

  4. It’s interesting what you find on Tinder (liked your profile by the way). Enjoy your new found freedom. An empty home does not necessarily translate to a lonely home. You can fill it with various presence that brings out the companionship you crave. By that, I don’t mean go grab a homeless man off the street to live with you, some tried that and paid a heavy price for it. You have friends, family and neighbors you’re close to. Have them over every now and then for light entertainment. Start a book club for your “book”, join a “meetup” group, there is an app for that!

    1. Hi Peter. Thank you for your supportive comment and for checking out my blog. I don't recognize your name so you must be a new reader. I am so glad you found me!

  5. I’ve enjoyed reading your life. We have so very much in common. I also run an Airbnb in my home, after being married for 38 years and now single. My house sharers reserve a room for one night and sometimes end up staying a year. My hot, shirtless, happy, singing Costa Rican made me smile every day. When he left I cried for 2 days. I know exactly how you feel. When we’re sitting around my dinner table at the end of the day, I look around with a smile and think “I’m grateful for my ever changing ‘family’.
    I hope you find your roommate or whatever is your un-loneliness remedy. High five!

    1. Hi Dallis! I am thrilled by your comment! You sound awesome! I am sorry your marriage didn't work out but it looks like you have also made the best of your situation. I bet you have some great stories of your own. I"m so curious as to how you found my blog. Please tell me!


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