Best Tinder Date

I got blown off on Saturday.

TWICE.

I was supposed to meet someone from Bumble in the morning but he never finalized the plans and instead just stopped responding. He didn't unmatch me though soooo... that's not confusing.

At least that is better than having plans and then getting stood up as I did that night.

I was pretty excited because I almost never get Saturday night invitations. I can't remember how this guy and I ended up finding each other because our communication took place over Instagram. Maybe he started following me after seeing me on Bumble or Tinder? I can't remember. I definitely wasn't following him for his photography skills, I know that much.

Anyway, Saturday morning he messaged me and asked me about my vacation in Maine and I responded "Tell you about it tonight?" And then? He didn't respond again. This is why I love any other messaging platform other than SMS: I could tell that he had not read my messages but had been active. However, I don't know what good it did me to have that information in this situation.

Do you still go to meet a date when you are pretty sure you are being ignored and the person isn't going to show up?

Or do you give someone the benefit of the doubt and think, "Surely there is no way a person could have such bad manners as to just not cancel?"

Well, it was a gorgeous evening so I figured I would go anyway. However, as I got ready, I had anxiety the whole time about how it was going to make me feel if he didn't show up. First of all, I would be annoyed that I wasted time and effort doing hair and makeup for nothing! Second of all, I'm in a precarious enough emotional state as it is, being unemployed and suffering two years of dating disappointments. I really didn't need someone to pile onto that.

But, I got ready, I wore a good outfit, my hair looked good and I caught the bus to our date.

And of course, as you know, he didn't show.

So this is my question to my dear audience: WHY DO PEOPLE DO THIS?!?!?!?!!?!?!?

HOW HARD IS IT TO TELL SOMEONE "Sorry, I changed my mind but I wish you the best of luck."  HOW HARD IS THAT?!?!

On a Saturday night?!?!?!! 

The opportunity cost of this D*CK move is so high it infuriates me. I could have gone for a bike ride. I could have worked on my book. I could have made plans with my friends. Maybe I could have gone on a date with someone who would actually have shown up.

And how do you find the courage to keep putting yourself out there if this is what you face? Now I remembered why I don't like to accept Saturday night dates if they are ever offered - because this is what always happens! They get cancelled at the last minute, or in this case, not even cancelled at all.

This guy was the worst.

I was so annoyed. There is just no excuse for that type of behavior. None. If you have ever done that to someone, text them right now and apologize. Do ittttttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!! And then never do it again to anyone.

If you change your mind about going on a date, you are allowed to do that!! Just have the manners to let the person know! And let them know in enough time so that they can make other plans!

Gahhhhhhh!!!!

Breathe, Jennifer. Breathe.

I thought, "What can I do? How we just let these bad manners run rampant and let people get away with it? How can we let people ruin people's trust in other humans and ruin their nights?"

WHY ARE THERE NO MANNERS POLICE?!?!?!?!

I thought about sending this guy's mother a message telling her what her son did. So, I found him on Facebook... but, you can't see who his friends are. Darn.

I thought sending him a Venmo request for my bus fare. That would have been funny, right? But, there is more than one person with his name and I didn't want to request from the wrong person. Grrr.

I thought about telling my readers his name or posting his picture. But then I thought how that will just make me look like a huge giant hypocrite so I couldn't do that (even though he sure deserves it!!!!). But, I don't want to be unbecoming to my readers.

Oh well.

So I just sent him a message and told him he has VERY VERY bad manners.

And then I thought, "I have no job. I have no boyfriend. And I have no prospects for either."

And those are not fun thoughts.

So I thought:

don't spiral don't spiral don't spiral

think something positive think something positive thing something positive

think think think

focus focus focus

So, I thought about:
  • How the bus driver had complimented my pedicure (which I did myself since I have to be frugal now).
  • How the fireman I walked by told me to have a nice evening.
  • The fact that I was going to get a lot of exercise walking all over town and that at least I was out and about on a beautiful summer evening.
  • How flattering the lighting was in the bathroom of the restaurant I was supposed to meet this guy at.
See? Me trying to focus, but in a really good mirror:

(my skin is really not that flawless, I think I had the beauty setting on my phone up too high)
(also, please excuse the squiggles, my phone just does that)

Anyway, it is always good to find a bathroom that has flattering lighting when you are 43. That definitely made me feel better. At least I looked good.

Luckily, I had told my dear friend Nora that I was pretty sure I was going to be stood up and she had told me to meet her out on the date she was going on. That's a real friend, FYI. 

But, I was in the mood for a burger and my adorable friend Randa lives near where I was supposed to meet Nora so I asked her if she wanted to meet me and then we could meet Nora after. So this is what I did next:


With Randa I knew I was guaranteed both good manners AND a good time. Isn't she so cute? 

And then the best part was, Nora and her Tinder date showed up and joined us at the restaurant! It was such a fun and spontaneous surprise. He was so friendly and cool and nice and open and so my stood-up-Instagram-date turned into an awesome crashed-Tinder-date. Also, spontaneity is my favorite! Aside from my dates with my OTTL (One True Tinder Love) this was by far my best Tinder date. Thanks Nora!

So, thanks for getting me out of my apartment you InstaJERK because I did end up having an awesome night after all.

Oh, but try and get some manners so that you can just cancel politely on someone the next time.

***
Do you know how to cancel politely on people or do you have any stories of when you got stood up? Tell me in the comments!


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Comments

  1. so Nora's date got to spend the evening with 3 beautiful women. Your hair did look fantastic, and those fries look delicious. I'm glad you ended up having a good evening

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  2. I usually just tell them I'm going to the pool instead now with a friend ;)
    And the event went marvelously by the way! We had exactly enough moderators (4 in total) and a group of us went out with drinks afterwards and I came up with a new dating event that spans an entire weekend,

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    1. I am so glad the event went well. Let me know if the next one doesn't age discriminate.

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  3. OPPORTUNITY COST!

    YES! This is what BURNS ME UP about plans cancelled/postponed at the last minute for honestly kind of BS reasons. Maybe I don't get it as much I'm the kind of person who rallies at almost any cost to avoid letting people down once I confirm plans, but I don't think people really think about the idea that someone may very well just end up sitting at home being disappointed when they cancel.

    Usually I could have made other plans, like you mentioned, but especially as a man, a last-minute date probably comes across like a booty call, or like you tried to do something else and whoever you ask, if they are not a close friend, is a second-choice.

    I am 100% behind you about how RUDE it is to cancel plans at the last minute.

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  4. That sucks. People are dumb. I'm sorry. No one deserves that especially you! Although - I think it would've been safe to assume that he was going to be a no-show after he stopped responding.

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    1. Your skin must be that flawless because the other photos of you are stunning ;-)

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    2. Thank you John. I assure you it is not. I get the pleasure of having both wrinkles and pimples. Gahhh.

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    3. Yeah--no one warned me I'd still be getting zits at 46--wth?

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  5. Sounds to me, that you found a true friend you can count on and most likely avoided an even bigger let down in future, if he had shown up.
    If he is capable of making that extremely bad decisions. What other bad decisions is he making..
    Jennifer you're a beautiful, young woman. There are countless men hoping to meet a girl that's intelligent and looks 15 year's younger than you say.
    Today and tomorrow are new day's. You never know who might just walk into your life and make these fools, just a memory!

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    1. What a lovely comment, John Masi. Thank you so much.

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  6. This is sadly a great read. While I am very sorry for you having to endure an evening as you described, the way you go about describing it shows how good of a writer you are. We have all been there when we've been on a date and not gotten anything back from that person after the date, a message, a phone call, any breath whatsoever. It's tough when someone just decides to turn off the communication without you knowing as to why. I appreciate your words in this and hope that very soon Saturday nights are no longer surprise dates for you, but become expected/routine. I think we all seek out that expectation and or routine, no matter how many times we strike out previously.

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    1. Brian, your words actually made me feel my heart in my chest. Thank you so much.

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    2. Considering I can't stop reading any of your words, I think you still win. I need to stop reading this blog because I need to get back to work but I'm having a hard time doing so. You have a gift, taking an ordinary, everyday situation and turning it into something one can visually see without having been there.

      The title "Aone in the Back Seat" is what caught my eye when deciding which direction to swipe. While the title didn't match what was in my initial thoughts, I'm so glad I was wrong. Will continue to enjoy reading, hope it doesn't take up all my work time, sorta.

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    3. Brian!!!!! You made me SO HAPPY.

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    4. I'm glad, it's well deserved. Still reading, it's addicting.

      Oh, and btw, I did swipe right, before I read any of this. Would repeat that action if I could.

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    5. Oh, thank you. Well, I have no idea if I swiped right on you because I don't know who you are :)

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    6. I sent you a message offline so to speak.

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  7. You're good, looking forward to the book! Best accidental find in a long time.

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  8. Anyway, Saturday morning he messaged me and asked me about my vacation in Maine and I responded "Tell you about it tonight?" And then? He didn't respond again.




    See you had your answer, he never replied and you still got ready to go out on your date, the red flag was raised hours and hours before you started doing your hair and makeup....the no response was your answer not to go but you went anyway.....I have been on many many many dates, this has never happened to me, yes dates have been cancelled last minute, but I have never gotten ready to leave unless I know they are showing and that we have a little text before we both leave to meet....it's very simple to message the person an hour or two before to finalize the plans once more....he never responded which was your answer right there....you can't put 100% of the blame on him......

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    1. Yes, you are correct. I don't blame him for me going, as I was pretty sure he was not going to show, as in 99.9% sure. I just blame him 100% for having bad manners.

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  9. Wow. Lot's to unpack here. First, your courage at revealing your vulnerability is inspiring (and damn sexy). Second, it's stunning - and a bit intimidating - to learn that a woman with your combination of skill, charm and beauty can find dating as frustrating as a mere mortal like me. I'm deeply saddened that there aren't more decent men to value a woman like you. Of course it sucks that guys like this have a spillover effect n those of us that understand disappointment is always lessened by kindness. I'm thrilled you were able to make the proverbial lemonade out of the lemons you were left holding. I find friends to be the anchor I need to regain the perspective that essential to survive the maze that is modern day dating.

    Practically speaking, when I get radio silence on confirming a date I've taken to sending a message along the lines of "XXXX I'm really excited to see you tonight but I'm a little concerned that you haven't confirmed. If you've had a change of heart I'll be disappointed but understand. So unless I hear back I'm going to assume that's the case ... I sure hope I'm wrong and that you're still interested in getting together as planned." I've never had a "you stood me up" after a message like that.

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    1. Thanks Cliff Pintak for your very kind words and empathy. Also, thank you for the great example you gave of how to handle a situation like this. I usually also send a message like "Still on for 6:00?" to avoid these situations. I was pretty sure I was going to get stood up since he didn't respond but... I have a blog to write and if I had just stayed home under that assumption, I wouldn't have had a story to tell. :)

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