Let's talk about sex. Again.

[Mom and Dad, please go ahead and skip this one too. Please.]

First of all, I’d like to tell you how pleased I am with the response I got from my last post on this topic. My male readers seemed to both be empathetic to the lesson as well as grateful for the advice.

I received so many nice messages of gratitude for that blog post, which surprised me because I was afraid my male readers my might be offended by it. Their response, however, just reinforced my belief that men really do strive to do better and be better, as I wrote about in In Defense of Men.

So.... since my gentleman readers are such a willing audience (and ladies, I know you will appreciate this one), I'd like to use this platform to address a very troublesome phenomenon that plagues so many intimate encounters - orgasmic imbalance.

Through my own experience and that of my friends, I have come to learn that, sadly, many men seem to think that when they are done, the job is done.

This mindset needs to change!

This orgasmic imbalance can be no more!

So, if you are reading this and you are one of those guys, stop being that way!

If you tend to only use your largest tool in your toolbox and think that if she doesn't get relief before you or with you that it is just too bad for her because you did all you could with your large tool and her chance for satisfaction ends when you finish, you really need to consider how much opportunity you have to be a better man and human.

Can you believe that one time a guy had the nerve to say to me that I was being “needy” when I told him I needed relief too after he had gotten his?

I wanted to punch him in the face.

Women and men are created differently and it is just not easy for many of us! There is a serious flaw in the design of how our parts match up with yours and how what makes you finish doesn’t necessarily make us finish (like 70-80% of us!).

I have no idea why we were designed that way – maybe as a way to be able to weed out the good ones of you from the bad? The ones who will work with our design and needs and satisfy us?

We need you to care about our pleasure and let us know you care. We don’t want to be made to feel like we are “needy” (trigger word!!!) or that we take too long or that you are getting bored. That is what makes us take so long!! You have to help us relax, give us positive reinforcement and encouragement.

Don’t say to us in a bored tone after you finished as someone actually said to me, “What, so do you want me to finger you now?”

OMG. No. Please do not say that ever.

Just DO IT. Or something else. But do something!

Lastly, many men have proudly told me, "I always make sure she finishes first." Well, first of all, THANK YOU for caring BUT whyyyyyy do you think she would want to always finish first? How about taking turns? Let her finish last sometimes!! 

In summary, I leave you with this thought:

Repeat it, memorize it, remember it and abide by it:

NICE guys do not ALWAYS finish last.

On behalf of womankind, thank you.



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Comments

  1. this is a good time to examine my own post orgasmic behavior. See what I can do to improve, and break out of my own rut

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  2. Good morning Jenni.
    Just read your “LET'S TALK ABOUT SEX. AGAIN.”...
    it truly put smile to my face.

    Every man, that comment, would say he can do better than that... very few would admit the opposite 🙂

    I will just say: I have had good and bad experiences, and all the good ones were when I was inspired by the lady to go the extra mile. It’s in the way she makes a man feel. It is like my satisfaction is not enough, and the act is as good as the finish... then you both want the act to continue...

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    1. I like your attitude Svetoslav Kostadinov!

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  3. In my experience, most women can finish first *and* last. Often, once is not enough.

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    1. Well SteveMDFP, you are either doing something very right or your path is crossing with some very fortunate women.

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    2. Well, I would hope so. I tried to meet with an interesting woman on OKC, a blog author and writer. But she stopped responding. Sigh. ;-)

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  4. Evolutionarily speaking the female is designed for multiple lovers to make sure of conception! You are talking in a dating context. The first time with a new lover I pull out every trick that I have.

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  5. "Don’t say to us in a bored tone after you finished as someone actually said to me, “What, so do you want me to finger you now?”
    OMG. No. Please do not say that ever.
    Just DO IT. Or something else. But do something!"

    I think, dear author, that you assume he knows what to do. I find it more likely that he's clueless about how to proceed. When men *feel* like they're being clueless, they often get defensive, even angry. I speak from the experience of having been on the offending side of this scenario -- many, many moons ago.

    This is a perfect example of why sex education needs to be much more explicit in our schools. Matrimonial harmony, one of the foundations of our civilization, is at stake. How can a man satisfy a woman sexually, when Peter isn't up to the task any longer? Men aren't educated in this, and intuition is often sorely lacking.

    It shouldn't be a woman's responsibility to provide basic education. And the throes of arousal pull for impatience, when patience is needed. But outside of the throes of arousal, it may all be too embarrassing or uncomfortable.

    So my suggestion is, rather than to simply state or complain, to put his hand (or face) where it's needed. Or pull out a battery-operated device, and ask him to proceed.

    Men are raised (or mis-raised) to think that they should intuitively know what a woman needs and wants. This is a ridiculous standard. *Breeding* may be innate, but being a good lover and partner requires education, training, and experience. Oh, and a positive attitude.

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    1. Hi SteveMDFP. Please go back to the first sentence in what you messaged and look at the 7th and 8th words.

      Agree with you on sex education.

      Why should it NOT be a woman's responsibility to provide basic education?? Women SHOULD feel comfortable asking for what they want and need, in the bedroom and outside of it.

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    2. Well yes, in an ideal world, every woman would feel empowered to explain exactly what she wants and needs from her lover. We don't live in an ideal world. Even well-empowered men feel awkward about explaining what they want and need from a lover. Women are often in a relationship with less power/authority/empowerment than their male partner.
      An overall dating/mating ethic really needs to be cultivated in our society. If one is going to be intimate with another, there's a responsibility to be a responsive lover, to be open to guidance in what the partner wants and needs. This should be basic, obvious, and universally understood, but it isn't.

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    3. Welp. that is kind of the point of my blog. :)

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  6. So, besides wining and dining, entertaining (he's gotta be funny, right?), and plethora of other things, men should also make sure you cum every single time? Am I reading this right? Majority of the women in bed are akin to a sack of potatoes that a man gets to reposition every few minutes. Almost zero initiative to engage and take the lead, as she's laying there motionless. I've had several women that were wild in the sack, but their cock count was probably higher than your average pornstar's. With that being said, what does an average woman "deserve" in this case if the man is doing majority of the work? An average man and an average woman probably deserve each others' performances. Solution? Stop picking average men.

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    1. Dear vic ad, I wish you were writing to me with a kinder, less aggressive and angry tone. I personally do not expect to be wined and dined. I don't even drink. What I expect is for men to be as generous in bed as their partners are. I am sorry you have expereinced disappointing, boring partners but maybe that has to do with a lack of confidence and comfort. It is really hard for women to feel relaxed and also, a lot of men don't really know how to touch us the way that feels good and women are sadly, really not comfortable explaining, showing, teaching. And no, I was not saying the man should make sure his partner should finish but he should TRY. Should he not??

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    2. My apologies for coming off angry. It was posted more out of frustration of what modern women "demand" us men do for them. Your average woman does not have much to bring to the table, other than that one magic place where every man wants to be, yet she wants the triple 6 at the minimum (6 foot, 6 figures, 6 pack).

      "What I expect is for men to be as generous in bed as their partners are. "

      What is their partners' generosity consists of? Granting access to the magic cave? lol

      "I am sorry you have expereinced disappointing, boring partners but maybe that has to do with a lack of confidence and comfort. "

      Nope, women are just "comfortable" doing nothing in bed.

      "It is really hard for women to feel relaxed and also, a lot of men don't really know how to touch us the way that feels good and women are sadly, really not comfortable explaining, showing, teaching. "

      Well, what is your proposition then? How do you get better at something if you don't even know you're doing it "wrong"? They don't have vocational schools where you receive this knowledge. Yet. *writing this down as a potential business idea

      "And no, I was not saying the man should make sure his partner should finish but he should TRY. Should he not??"

      Of course. However, your average man simply does not last as long as your average woman, imho. However, I'm, currently in a fwb situation where tables are completely reversed as to this particular situation. It's very strange.

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    3. vic ad, trust me, I understand you are frustrated. Have you seen my "In Defense of Men" post? I have spoken to a lot of males of the last few years and I know that many are disappointed, frustrated, and disillusioned just like their female counterparts. That is why the point of my blog is to help foster BETTER relations and understanding and most importantly, kindness. When you say something like "your average women doesn't bring much to the table," as a woman, how am I not supposed to feel defensive or insulted on behalf of my gender for a comment like that? How about if we just don't say negative things like that? Do you think it is actually helpful??

      It sounds like you have had some really dull and disappointing sexual partners, maybe you should try to be more communicative with them about what your wants and needs are before getting into bed so that you come off as less misogynistic?

      Regarding finishing, it doesn't have to be about the man's stamina. Many woman don't even KNOW how to finish through intercourse. It is NOT easy!! He can try in other ways to help his partner finish. Shouldn't both partners want the experience to be fully enjoyable for each other?

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    4. "When you say something like "your average women doesn't bring much to the table," as a woman, how am I not supposed to feel defensive or insulted on behalf of my gender for a comment like that? How about if we just don't say negative things like that? Do you think it is actually helpful??"

      If you are not an average woman, you should not feel defensive at all, because the only thing you have in common with those women is your genital area. That's it. That is precisely why I speak in averages and generalities.

      From your "IDoM" post:

      "There is also a narrative that women are "better" than men. I don't like that either and I think that narrative breeds both misogyny and laziness"

      That's not a narrative, that's real life. Women, in general, are expected to be pampered by their men and have their you-know-what in their purses. Talking about things that happen in real life is not "negative", it's just is. If we continue sweeping them under the rug, nothing will change. Why do you think the marriage and birth rates are down so much with this new gen? Women are, arguably, the most they've been ever empowered vs any other period of time, yet they are probably the most unhappiest ever as well (check the depression meds studies and who consumes the most meds in this country by gender/age). What gives?

      "It sounds like you have had some really dull and disappointing sexual partners, maybe you should try to be more communicative with them about what your wants and needs are before getting into bed so that you come off as less misogynistic?"

      Shouldn't you be following your own advice in your case as well? :) (I mean this in the least passive-aggressive way possible) What if I come off even more misogynistic when I ask the woman to be on top more? Guys can never win, Jennifer.

      "Regarding finishing, it doesn't have to be about the man's stamina. Many woman don't even KNOW how to finish through intercourse. It is NOT easy!! He can try in other ways to help his partner finish. Shouldn't both partners want the experience to be fully enjoyable for each other?"

      See how hard this is? Even women don't know, yet men are faced with certain expectations. I would think a normal, receptive partner would have no issue of making you finish if you were to communicate it to him in a non-offensive way. Compliment his performance or something (unless he was that horrible) to stroke his ego a bit and then express your needs. Lots of males with fragile egos around, so just like your advice to me - you gotta pick 'em wiser.

      "Shouldn't both partners want the experience to be fully enjoyable for each other?"

      No objections, your honor.

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    5. vic ad, I think you need to consider starting your own blog as your comments are starting to get longer than my posts!! :) I am not going to respond to your first 5 paragraphs. Moving on to the 6th one, if you think that someone would think it is misogynistic to ask a woman to be on top more, I just don't even comprehend that statement. I do understand you feeling like guys can never win and I truly sympathize. I think a good remedy for that feeling is making a slight effort more to try to put your feet in someone else's shoes and see things from their perspective.

      Back to the "finishing" topic - I think most women know how to finish w/o intercourse, I was referring to finishing from intercourse which is a challenge for like 75% of women, that is why OTHER parts of males are helpful too!

      Yes, please keep referring to me "your honor." I like that!! :)

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